Possibilities

I found out today that I have 28.36 hours of PTO accumulated so far... about 3 and a half days (math!).
I'm still waiting to hear from two of "my" schools. Got my first rejection last week. That was cool. I'm not very upset about it, because I'd pretty much decided that I didn't want to go there... and a "yes" from them would've meant me reviewing my decision and being angsty.

I need a vacation. I want to use this damn PTO.

I AM SO SICK OF WAITING! I know that now is the time for saving and waiting. I should save money for the future, especially if I end up in school again. Even if I don't, I should still save. I'm too young and stupid to know what I really want or what I'm doing... so I'm waiting for this year to be over, for me to somehow be "ready" for my real life to start. (Whatever that means.)
Is there really a year-long grace period between graduation and the official initiation into the real world posse?
I still feel like I'm wandering around in a cave. I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic, and I think the oxygen supply is running low because I'm starting to have trouble breathing.

A friend of mine told me that if I move away after my lease is up, I'll just be "running away," and I won't really find what I'm looking for (even though I have no idea what I'm looking for or IF I'm even looking for something). I'm not sure if I agree with her, but what if she's right?

I work everyday, I'm doing a pretty great job of saving (aside from the iTunes binge). I don't go out, I don't go shopping. Granted, the women at the B&N Starbucks now recognize me (btw, Lorraine smiled at me yesterday)... but still... my tall skim Chai is only $2.68 with the discount.

I'm rambling. I think I forgot what I was talking about... or maybe I never knew.
I don't know why I'm expecting life to take off. I suppose life is generally boring like this for most people, and it's really up to me to change that if I'm really that fed up with the monotony.
I'm once again feeling like I don't have anyone to call. I've been wondering lately if I any of my friends would still be friends with me if I was actually completely honest with them.
That was a very bad sentence.
I may as well be mute considering how much I think but don't say.

I did say hello to the old guy in the laundry room today... and then I said "have a good night" when I left. (That's big for me... I don't generally talk to or smile at strangers.) This made me feel good about myself for about 10 minutes.

Looking for Confidence

From a guy who has a kid named Apple...


How long before I get in
Before it starts before I begin
How long before you decide or
Before I know what it feels like
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine

Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light,
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I'll start before I can stop or
Before I see things the right way up...

- Coldplay, Speed of Sound

Raise it up

''how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once'' - alanis morissette, thank you

I have a problem recognizing the good things. I get so mad at myself sometimes when I have a day full of good things that ends on a bad note... I don't get mad at the "bad note," I get mad that I can't get past it...
I'll focus on the one bad thing, and forget about all the good. I'm so ridiculous.

Yesterday was a great day at work. (Yes, read it again... you will see "great" and "work" in the same sentence.)
I had two meetings - one for leadership training that was actually really fun... and it was two hours I didn't have to sit in front of my computer.
I also had my three month review... I hate to brag... okay no I don't, not about this... it (the review) was sparkling. They love me. I got a raise... I big one. I do feel bad that they still believe I'm going to be there in a year. Oh well. At least I'm doing a good job and am getting some recognition for all of my work there.
Went home, made a real dinner with asparagus and green beans (wow - vegetables!)... listened to some great music... went to Kristen's, watched 24.
Then she mentions she has a date with this awesome funny boy on Friday and I get all funked up. We talk about all the people we know who are engaged, seriously dating, or married... most of them have been in these relationships for less than a year.
I am the only single person I know.
Okay, that's not true.
I'm lonely. It's just pathetic... because I know that my life... my "chaos"... is so completely up in the air... I'm just trying to get myself under control... any attempt at a real relationship would be a very horrible idea. I know this.

So anyway, I go home and sulk and then suddenly realize that I'm being completely ridiculous and I had such a good day that I should be happy.... I even got to sleep in this morning because I had a 9am meeting with my client at their office. And I still wasn't happy!

Then, once again, work today was really not so bad at all(aside from the client being dumb). I came home, ate some really awesome left over veggie lasagna (no sarcasm there)... going for coffee with Megs soon. Nothing to complain about!

Are there some mental exercises I could do to help me learn how to focus on the positive? Am I eating the wrong foods? I really need some help with this.

Honestly, the not-hearing-from-grad schools thing is really making me nervous. I think that if/when I hear, I'll feel a lot better... even if they all deny me... because then I'll actually be able to make some decisions about the next year of my life.

Shut up, I'm awesome

Last night I had no plans. As I was eating dinner, I was inspired to venture out in the -13 degree weather to go to Target... to buy the new Sean Paul cd (the Trinity) and Team America (the movie). I ended up with the movie... and Alanis Morisette's new album.
Hmm.

I came home, put on the Alanis, and (finally) decided to download iTunes.
Then I spent four hours searching the iTunes store for new music.

Yep.

Part of me feels like I should hide the fact that I actually had a FUN Friday night doing all of this. Then again... I know I'm a nerd, so what's there to hide?

However, I'm still not sure that I'm okay with the fact that, out of the songs I've already purchased on iTunes, the two that I've listened to the most are "We Be Burnin' - Legalize it" by Sean Paul... and "Call On Me," the extended "retard funk mix."

Charlie Sheen

I just finished watching Platoon for the first time ever. I'm not sure what I think of Charlie Sheen as an actor, but this is a damn powerful movie. I don't know... I'm in way too deep in my thoughts right now.
My mom has the album - as in the soundtrack - for this movie... she told me to watch it. I wonder if my dad's ever seen it. I thought a lot about him while I was watching. He's rarely spoken to me about his time in Vietnam, but I know it was horrible and I know that he still has nightmares. He was there in the late 60's... that was almost 40 years ago.
I realize that this was a movie... and was perhaps overly dramatic... but you never know. The one thing that my dad did tell me after I found his old stripes was that they made him a sargent basically because everyone else in his unit died.
What the fuck is that?! I kind of think that in some way war is a part of human nature. I mean, there's no time in documented history when there hasn't been some type of brawl going on. Why do we need this?
It also makes me wonder about the horrors that people can experience and still find the strength to, I don't know, not give up.
I have no idea what the "war on terror" is actually like for the people that are really fighting it. It seems so surreal and foreign to me. It's like the war is only really on TV... I don't even know if it really exists!
I'm rambling. Thinking too fast.
Seems like Vietnam was SO powerful and had such a huge impact on my parent's generation... I wonder if I will ever experience that kind of social chaos or revolution. The world seems way too apathetic for that kind of thing now... then again, maybe it just hasn't gotten bad enough yet.
I have no idea.
I just know that, despite the alcohol and the chain smoking and the slight craziness, and no matter how much I get annoyed with him sometimes, I still tremendously respect and love my father - what he did, how he has dealt with the curveballs, and how he is still coping with all of the experiences... I wish there was some way I could help.
Sure puts my problems in perspective. God damn perspective.

Money

I've decided that I'm going to win the lottery.

Then I could quit my job, move to Boston or Cape May or Arizona or Napa Valley or Disney World or Dublin, and buy all the chai I could ever want. I suppose there are a few other things I'd like to do... like learn to snowboard, make my own maple syrup, and TRAVEL until I die.

Then again, I'd have to pay off all my student loans, so I probably wouldn't be able to travel forever.

Big dreams.

I Wonder...

- about where I will be in a year
- about where I will be in a month
- who my friends are
- how long I will live
- if I'm spending/saving too much money
- if I'm shallow
- if I'm insane
- if I am a good person
- what I'll eat for dinner
- if I'll ever get off my ass and join Snap Fitness
- if I will always be pathetic
- why I am so gullible
- if I am needy
- why ''needy'' is a bad thing
- if I'll ever not care what other people think
- why I am so obsessed with fitting in when I know that social rules and norms are complete bullshit
- if I really needed that flu shot
- if I should put more effort into my friendships
- why I am afraid
- WHEN the transition from college to the real world ends
- if I will survive this transition
- if I'll ever learn to listen to my rational side
- if I should try to wash that disc in the corner (long story)... or if I'll ever play disc golf again
- why I don't just move to some place that has warmer weather
- why face lotion is so expensive
- how long my list of "I wonder" could go on... probably forever if I thought about it hard enough
- if I'll ever get back to Dublin
- how my life would be different if I had gone to a different school/still played my guitar/wore more green/lived in those apartments on St. Clair/stayed single more/was a cat

"The more you see, the less you know..."

... great song.

U2 won 5 grammys last night. Unfortunatly, I didn't watch. I'm so proud of my Irish boys!
... So proud, in fact, that today while I was at Barnes and Noble I bought a book... "Walk On: The Spiritual Journey of U2."

Now, I'm not all that religious or spiritual these days... but this was on the "staff picks" shelf and I looked it over and I think it'll be a good read.

It's the first book I've ever purchased that is about a band. I am officially a real FAN.
"Fan" is short for "fanatic" isn't it?

I really need to find an alternate hang out for lunch breaks. I have so many new books... and so little time to actually read.

Tomorrow, I have NO plans. I *do* have FIVE new DVDs... and don't the Olympics start too? I am becoming a hermit, and I don't care.

Titanic: The Board Game

Today I was in Barnes & Noble on my lunch break (surprise surprise).

I was wandering around by this table of random games and puzzles and how-to books... y'know "Easy Origami Swans" or "3D puzzle of George Bush's Ears". On the bottom shelf, there was this big box that just said "Titanic" over a picture of the love birds Jack and Rose.
I thought to myself... "What's this? A Titanic board game?" I could tell it wasn't a puzzle, and I didn't know what type of craft anyone could possibly make with this - a toy boat maybe?

The thought of a Titanic GAME was absolutely hilarious to me. I sat down on the floor next to the table and picked up the box. It was very dusty. I wiped the dust on the floor and read the back of the box. Unfortunately, it wasn't actually a game... it was a "Titanic Delux Edition" thing, consisting of the full-length feature film on VHS (VHS?! - how old is this box?!), a booklet containing valuable and interesting historical information about the titanic and its passengers, and a "film reel" (four consecutive pictures of Kate and Leo while they're doing that "do you trust me?"/ "I trust you" thing at the very front of the ship. "JACK... I'm flying!").

Yeah.

Seriously, I love Barnes and Noble... but do they really expect someone to buy this?!
If it was a board game, I could see that MAYBE someone would buy it because that would be very sadistic and hilarious... pick a card, roll the dice, hit as many iceburgs as possible to sink the ship before your opponents can draw Rose naked!
Too bad. Maybe I'll invent that game.
For now though, this dusty box will sit, alone in it's Titanic glory (there was only one)... for as long as the store remains in business.

Put your hands on me, Jack.

Zooooooom

Earth shattering news!...... I had a good day at work today! It was amazing! Don't ask me why... I'm really not sure. I did have a lot of abnormal tasks to do today, and my boss and his wife are out "selling" this week.

Yesterday was good too... I watched the game. I forgot how much I get into football. I used to watch quite a bit with my mom when I was still living at home... then gradually while I was at school, I kind of forgot about it... mostly because all of my good friends hate it, so I'd be watching alone. (And then there was the time I watched the Packer/Viking game with three hardcore, obnoxious male Viking fans... that was bad.)

Anyway, it was fun... I made "game food" and got to listen to Mom yell at the TV (and then yell at my dad for talking during the commercials). By the way, the best commercial was the FedEx one where the guy kicks the little dinosaur and then gets stepped on by a gigantic dinosaur foot. Hilarious. Oh, and the magic fridge one was good too.

Another thing I did yesterday that made the day a lot better... I decided to be honest. Crazy, huh? Who would have guessed that actually getting my thoughts out and being honest about what's in my head could make me feel BETTER? Craziness... and I thought that bottling things up would just make them go away! (I hope you are getting the sarcasm in this, because I'm trying to be obvious.)

OKAY. Pilates soon... then coffee with Kristen (can you believe it, I'm sacrificing 24 for coffee?!). Kidding of course... friends trump TV shows any day. I can tape 24... but I have yet to figure out how to record a coffee date. Yeah, I know, not funny.

I want it to be the weekend again. I want weekends all the time. I need to eat more vegetables. I haven't seen Adam in like 4 days... do I really have a roommate? Sometimes I wonder. Dude, if you're reading this, I hope Chicago went well!
I think it should be spring. Then it would still be light outside right now.

1,2,3, break!

I have a game plan.

I will make my life better. This is totally in my hands. I can do this, I just need to focus. I also need to eat a turkey sandwich... I'm hungry.

I have no idea

This blog is stupid. I never say anything truly real or honest... or if I do it's all hidden behind stupid humor.
I'm not sure why I write. Maybe so I can reassure myself that I'm funny... but then I'm really not doing that because I have no idea if other people think it's funny. They probably don't. I'm probably wrong.

Here's some real honesty for you.
I'm sick of this life.
I feel ugly and stupid most of the time.
If I ever seem to know what's going on or where my life is going, I'm faking it.

I have no idea.

The Search

Looking for bravery.
I can't remember where I put it.
I'm generally a big wuss lately.
I am not happy about this.

I feel like I tried too hard to be brave and honest and real before, and it always seemed to turn out that I was just saying the wrong things at the wrong times and consequently always felt like an idiot.

Naive.

I just need to start trying again... that way, I can say "at least I tried..." as opposed to not trying and then wondering if my life would have changed if I'd tried.

Once again... cryptic.
I like the word 'cryptic.'

Thai High

I just got home from my Thai cooking class. I did it! I feel so independent! I took a class all by myself! I paid for it, drove to it, I cooked, and I talked to a bunch of people I don't know. I feel surprisingly independent (baby steps, baby steps)... don't laugh at me, I'm horrible at locating enough bravery to try new things, *especially* new things I have to do alone.

So I'm pretty proud of myself for this.
I'm also pretty full of Thai food. The teacher is one of the lead chefs at the Wild Orchid - a restaurant that is now on the top of on my "must eat at" list. HOORAY.

Tomorrow, Em's coming over and we're making Chicken Salsa Chili. Two nights of real meals in a row!

Burning some great incense at the moment. It's funny though - every time I burn it, it's on a night when I just want to relax and lay on the couch... and I generally put in a movie... and that movie is generally The Big Lebowski... so now I'm smelling the incense and want to watch The Big Lebowski... but I watched it already last night... sort of. I wasn't really paying attention.

"Lebowski? That's your name, Dude." "Donny, you're out of your element!"
"You can imagine where it goes from here..." "He fixes the cable?"
Ha. Haha.

Maybe I can do this life thing.