Time warp

Last night, I got 3.25 hours of sleep.
This morning, at 6:07am, I found myself standing in the kitchen, watching the toaster. I was waiting for my bread to become toast, and was getting very annoyed that the toaster didn't seem to be heating up at all. It was taking SO long.
After about 3 mintues of this, I finally realized that the toaster wasn't even plugged in.
The funny thing is, my roommate and I generally leave a number of appliances unplugged on purpose... saves energy.

Ridiculous.

This past week was crazy, with the holiday and all. I did get to see Rent and the new H.P. movie. Now it's back to my 8-5 work day until Christmas. I've almost got my grad school applications finished. I hope to have them sent in by the end of this week. Then all I can do is cross my fingers and wait for a miracle.

I'm feeling a little depressed at the moment due to my lack of sleep. Life seems more difficult when I'm tired.
Last night was a great time though. I honestly can't remember the last time I went to a bar on a Sunday evening... and last night was especially fun because I went with Tom, who I hadn't seen since the end of May! Tom is wonderful and needs to move back to Minnesota NOW so I can hang out with him more often.

Due to the current depressive state of my mind, I'm going to cut this short so I don't write anything that's only true tonight.

Testing, testing 1...2...3

Sanity check......

Yep, still crazy. Still ridiculous. Dang.

U2

It's getting "late" (for those of us who get up at 6am)... and I need to get some sleep. Sometime soon I will regale you with my amazing stories of my Athens, Georgia trip. For now, let me say... I LOVE U2! I am now an addict like my good friend Rebecca A. Kuehl. There's no turning back.
(PS - HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY to my little sister Katie!)

CITY OF BLINDING LIGHTS - U2 Vertigo Tour 2005 opener

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you grow
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart, day-glow eyes
The city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
And people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight...

Don't think before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs, purple irises the camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you've made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight...tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time....time...won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight

I Wonder

Sometimes, life is so complicated that, although I'd like to sit down and write a book about what I'm feeling, I can't put anything into words. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think on my commute (I can't believe I have a commute), at work, on lunch, after work... that's pretty much my day now that I'm fulltime (since last Tuesday). It's very difficult to find the time to get together with friends - we all have conflicting schedules. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel very alone.
I'm also realizing lately (finally?) that some of the people I talked to frequently at school have kind of disappeared. It never dawned on me how many friendships of convenience college gives you.
I was sad about this for a while, and then I realized that my true friends will be there for me no matter how far apart we are from one another.

I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact (yes, it is a fact) that for most of my life I've been needy and pathetic and crazy... more so this past year. It was me dealing with being "alone" for the first time ever... trying to find people to love and accept me without first learning how to love or respect myself. I've always leaned on others to guide me and tell me how to live my life.
Over the past year, I lost a lot of that type of support and found myself drowning. I look back on it now and understand that I had absolutely no confidence in myself, my thoughts, or my decisions.
I ended up doing a lot of stupid things, trying to find a place where I could feel safe and comfortable again... I made a lot of mistakes that I sincerely regret now.

Finally, *Finally* a few weeks ago I pulled back on the reigns to take a breath and reflect. What the hell am I doing? Who am I trying to be?! I'd been so unhappy. I've been searching for a place where I can feel comfortable in my own skin, and I've run into so many deadends... it was time to re-evaluate.
At that point, I made a conscious, firm decision to make some changes in the way I live.

Number one, I decided to stop doing things that make me feel shitty. I know that sounds ridiculous... but when I get into a routine and then people begin to expect me to act in a certain way, it's very difficult for me (historically) to break out of it, even when I realize I'm not having a good time.
Number two, I decided to cut back in the amount of alcohol I consume. College was great... so much time to spend at Patrick's drinking my vodka & cranberry and making an ass out of myself. Now I no longer have the time or the money for that. Even more importantly... remember those stupid mistakes that I regret so much? Most (and by most I mean LARGE majority) of those happened when I was drunk. NOT GOOD.

I feel like this past year I've been trying to climb an impossible mountain. I could never find my footing, and although there were a lot of people watching me from a distance, there was no one around to break my constant falls. I had to fall completely to the bottom, bruising my tailbone as I landed, to finally realize that there are other ways of getting to the other side of the obstacle.

I'm still lonely. I still have no idea what I want out of this life. I'm trying to reflect more, I'm trying to slow down, I'm even trying to read this little daily devotion book that my mom gave me. I'm trying to remember the blessings in my life, and when I do I am consistenly amazed at how how many I can count.
This is a transition. Mistakes are mistakes... I can't do anything about them now. I'm striving to be more aware of my everyday, present surroundings... to live in the moment and appreciate my life as it is.

True story

Did I ever tell you about the time I walked three miles with a toaster oven?

Leopold

Last weekend, I went on a roadtrip with myself down to Madison to partake in the big Halloween festivities. It was quite the weekend... I was sober for 99% of it, which was probably a good thing.
I stayed with Kate, Amelia, and Eva, who are now some of my most favorite people in the entire world... plus, they have the most amazing, fat, black cat named Leopold who has an identity disorder and loves to play with a furball on a string. He's seriously the funniest animal I've ever met.
I'm so lucky to know people like Amelia and Kate, who will take me to a rollerskating/Hallween/birthday party where we get to skate around in our costumes... we also carved pumpkins, baked cookies and muffins, ordered Thai food in (kind of obsessed with Thai food lately), and dressed up and rocked the town (until I was unable to walk in my 4'' heels).
What a crazy weekend.
And no, I was not involved in the riots.

Somehow... it is now November. Not sure how that happened.