City

I dug out my old Natalie Imbruglia CD the other day.... it's one of those I almost wore out in high school, y'know.
Today is the last day of the year. I think New Year's Eve is such a strange holiday. It's very symbolic - you get a fresh start, a new beginning, you get to "erase" the past year's mistakes and proudly display your clean slate.
But it's not really that special. When I was in 7th grade, my family was in Hawai'i over the holidays. We celebrated Wisconsin's "new year" at 8pm (because of the time difference). It's much less exciting at 8pm.
New Years is just this random excuse to get crazy and spray champagne at people to show your overwhelming happiness about the newness of a higher numbered year.
I just don't get it.
I always seem to have some time to sit down and reflect on the past year's events on Dec 31st. All I can say about this one is that I'm very happy it's almost over. I suppose there were some good days, but all in all, it was way too fucking dramatic and ridiculous. Then I think... but I AM dramatic and ridiculous all the time, aren't I?... so 2006 isn't going to be any better, is it? Ugh.
I guess I should be optimistic about the future... so much *unknown* and so many possibilities. It could be great. I just need to stop making stupid decisions. Here's to *that*...

Here's some Natalie for you...
City

Had a dream, had a drowning dream
I was in a river of pain
Only difference this time
I wasn't calling out your name, yeah
Has it ended before it's begun
You hold on, and I try to run but

Anybody heading in my direction, away from the city
Anybody wanna change the way they feel, step inside
Doesn't really matter where you wanna take me
Away from the city
I wanna start again, I wanna start again
I wanna take it back, I wanna start again
Start again

Funny how those friends forget you when you tired of their games
You miss a show or a party that blows
And they've forgotten your name, yeah
And you wonder what you've become
They pull you back when you try to run

Well anybody heading in my direction, away from the city
Anybody wanna change the way they feel, step inside
Doesn't really matter where you wanna take me
Away from the city
I wanna start again, I wanna start again
I wanna take it back, I wanna start again
Start again

I left the me I used to be
I wanna see this through
Left the me I used to be
If only you'd see it too
Well I wonder what you've become
You pull me back when I try to run

Well anybody heading in my direction, away from the city
Anybody wanna change the way they feel, step inside
Doesn't really matter where you wanna take me
Away from the city
I wanna start again, I wanna start again
I wanna take it back, I wanna start again
Start again

Think

Today, one of my good friends told me "sometimes, you just have to be completely ridiculous."

Life is good.

Original...

(I'm home sick from work today... there may be numerous posts.)
More lyrics for you...

Original of the Species ~ U2

Baby slow down
The end is not as fun as the start
Please stay a child somewhere in your heart

I'll give you everything you want
Except the thing that you want
You are the first one of your kind

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not

Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it

Some things you shouldn't get too good at
Like smiling, crying and celebrity
Some people got way too much confidence baby

I'll give you everything you want
Except the thing that you want
You are the first one of your kind

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not

Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it, no
And you'll never be alone
Come on now show your soul
You've been keeping your love under control

Everywhere you go you shout it
You don't have to be shy about it
Everywhere you go you shout it
Oh my my

And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want you some more, I want you some more...

Planning

Life Lesson #1 - NEVER plan anything. Don't anticipate. Don't prepare. Your plans will never match the actual situation.
Planning will either make you very disappointed or very confused.

I seem to forget this lesson often. I make a lot of plans in my head. Very rarely do they jive with my real life.
HOWEVER, every once in a grrreat while, things'll work out like I'd imagined... not because of me being influential or anything... it's just dumb luck.

I guess the bottom line is that I am flying through life blind, I have no idea what I'm doing - EVER. I take chances, I get hurt, I worry, I wonder if anyone else is as confused as I am, I take more chances, I learn, I regret, I wonder... wash, rinse, repeat.

And then I'll have a day or a night or a *moment* where everything falls into place (for a while), I realize that life is beautiful, and I'll think "this is what it's all about."
Yesterday was one of those days. Thank GOD for those days. God... hmm, that's another discussion entirely.

I am ridiculous and cryptic.

Lorraine

Lorraine works at the Starbucks cafe inside of the Barnes & Noble in Eagan that I frequent on my lunch breaks. She's a few inches shorter than me, probably in her 40's or early 50's, with chin-length white/gray hair. Lorraine is angry all the time.
I've never had a real conversation with Lorraine... aside from your normal customer/employee transaction. She makes my tall skim chai and heats up the occasional sandwich when I order.

It's possible that Lorraine has one of those faces that always looks angry, no matter her real mood... but I don't think so.
I try to smile and be very polite every time I see her (which is a lot... I'm seriously there almost every day). She never smiles back. She sighs at me when I ask her to punch in my phone number so I can get my B&N membership discount, and today she gave me a pretty strong glare when I gave her a large bill to pay for my small purchase (I apologized - it was all I had).

I wish Lorraine could be happier. I wonder what's got her down. I wonder if she doesn't have anywhere to spend Christmas... or maybe she's in an unhappy marriage... or maybe she's not married at all. Maybe she has a chronic disease. Maybe she doesn't like young people. Who knows.

Barnes & Noble is such a wonderful place, and bookstore cafes are so much fun. I want to tell Lorraine that she should be happy about where she is... surrounded by all those great books. I want to tell Lorraine that life really isn't so bad, and that she'd better start making an effort to smile at me... or I'll throw my chai in her face.

Focus on the bright side

Today, as I was wandering through JC Penney, my arms loaded with prospective additions to my wardrobe, I debated returning all the clothes to the rack... I had been shopping with Lauren all day... she seems to have an endless cash flow... I just couldn't keep up. However, I need new clothes for work. I stopped next to a rack of 50% off sweaters to ponder my options.

Out of the blue, a lady came up to me. She asked "do you have one of these?" and held out a $10 store credit. No, I did not have one of those.

She gave me the credit. Said she wasn't going to use it.

$10 bucks isn't all that much, but this was the best random act of kindness that I've experienced in quite a while.

There is good in this world.

It was the best $30 bucks I've ever spent....

On Monday night, Kristen and I attended a "French Cuisine" cooking class. I was a little bit worried - we signed up thru the St. Louis Park community ed website. There's a little disclaimer on the site saying that anyone can sign up to teach whatever they want... so you really don't know what nutcase teacher you're going to have until you go to the class.
We lucked out.
The instructor of our course was Laurel Severson - she has YEARS of cooking experience - with large companies like 3M.
We cooked 8 or 9 different French dishes - and then ate them all. Two with scallops (I can't recall ever liking scallops until Monday night!), saffron rice, a soup, a potato dish, this artichoke salad, creme carmel, and at the end we made crepes with an orange creme sauce, doused with alcohol and then lit on FIRE. We were there for 3 1/2 hours... I almost wish it had gone longer - I would have learned more.
Serious bang for your buck.
The evening was even more wonderful because it WAS a community ed class - we were with people who can't/don't want to pay &65 dollars to go to a 2 hr class at Cooks to learn how to pour wine from snooty chefs in ridiculously expensive kitchens with utensils that no normal person would ever own.
Our class was located in this old school building - the home ec room, I think. It was so REAL.
I'm definitely taking another class from Laurel. She's my current hero.

Last night, Becky and I went out for coffee and good conversation. She's back from GA for a few weeks. I hope to see her again soon, but she left her car down south... and I work all the fricking time, so we'll see.

Tonight I'm laying low. Adam got the volcano of electronic entertainment working in the living room... maybe I'll play some Tetris or watch The Big Lebowski (again).

Coffee with Heather tomorrow. I'm trying to think of a good coffee shop to go to - one that I haven't visited yet... I can't think of any, besides the multitude of Starbucks and Caribou. Hmm.

Friday night is the Organ Donor's concert!! Who wants to go? (If you haven't heard of them... they're a band that formed at Gustavus - most of them graduated w/me last spring. They're AMAZING - not kidding you. SO good, and their music is so far from the normal college band sound.) 10:45pm (opening acts start at 9:30pm) - Club Underground - $5, 21+.

Had a bit of a mental breakdown last night. I think the lack of sunshine is getting to me. I seriously believe I get seasonally depressed.... (did that make sense?). This is why I don't like winter. I'm frequently sad.
No worries, I'm okay. Life isn't that bad, I'm just not so good at dealing with stress. I need to find a health club.... or maybe a small fuzzy animal, like a chinchilla.

July 2003

I'm back again... because I'm lazy and poor and don't ever go out and do anything.

I did get a haircut today.

Has this ever happened to you?...
Every once in a while, I'll be going about my life, minding my own goddamn business... and suddenly I see something/hear something/even SMELL something and kazaam, I'm transported back to some former time in my life - a memory (I realize I've written about this sort of thing before).
SOMETIMES, when this happens, and it's a bad memory... one I'd forgotten about and would rather not ever remember again... I can't get it out of my head. It's like I try to stay ahead of it by keeping my brain occupied with other things... but on days like today when I'm not doing anything, that doesn't work so well.
Seriously, in the past hour, I think I've checked my e-mail, facebook, and MySpace like 14 times each. Anything to get this memory out of my head. (And NO I'm not going to write about the memory - I'd rather not cement it reality forever by writing it down... not that this blog is forever.)
Anyway... this makes me so MAD! I think I'm over something, so proud of myself that it's done with, and then this happens. I get ridiculous, trying desperately to find something else to occupy the space in my head where this stanky skanky memory has set up camp. No, no no... now is when I receive no e-mails, no one updates their facebook, it's cold and overcast outside and I can't go walking, I spent too much money yesterday and cannot afford to go anywhere today to spend more...

So here I sit, wrestling with some stupid memory once again. It has no bearing on my life now... it's in the past, why do I care? I just need to STOP thinking. I need a gerbil or something.

The Lodge

Sooo my weekend picked up after Friday night. Good thing. I was in a pretty depressive state that night.
Yesterday, I mailed my Christmas cards and did most of my holiday shopping. I went to the Knollwood Mall, Punch Pizza (got a $25 dollar gift card for Jay & Em, which came with a FREE pizza... so I ate there), Uptown - Urban, Borders, Ragstock, and then Lauren called so I met her at MOA, which was WAAAY too crowded.
I was pretty successful over all... I'm almost done. Was a little disappointed since I really needed to get to Spencers to get my Secret Santa a gift - but since Lauren IS my Secret Santa, that didn't work out so well.
I'm very proud that I can FINALLY afford to buy people nice things for Christmas - not that expensive gifts are better than thoughtful, cheaper gifts... but seriously, last year, I gave Mom, Dad, and Katie "IOU's" for dinner/movies/shopping trips because I was too poor to buy anything. By the way, I still owe them the dinner/movies/shopping trips. Ugh.

After that, I went to Kristen's for her dinner party. I got there early to help chop up carrots and drink 2 classes of wine. :P It was very nice to see her - I was beginning to think she actually moved to Quebec - instead of just visiting all the time for work.
The party was nice, the food was great, and it was good to talk to everyone there - many of them I hadn't seen for quite a while.

THEN, Heather dragged me down to the "Sigma" Lodge party. I pretended to be a sorority girl to get in the door free... then I got $2 drinks until 10pm. Pretty cool special, but the $2 drinks were about 1/2 as strong as their regular priced drinks. (I had three in an hour, and with my lack of a tolerance, I should have been passed out on the floor, but I was only slightly buzzed - good thing.) The live band was HORRIBLE - not kidding... it was just a drummer and a guitarist, who kept saying things about how he wanted everyone there to hook up... and other stupid stuff. His music was bad too - bad bad covers of good songs.

I'm glad I went out though. I had gotten to the point were it seemed like to much work and too much money to go downtown. Heather actually dragged me off of Kristen's couch. We had a good time though, and hopefully we'll have lunch sometime this week.

So now I'm up and it's Sunday and I have three quarters instead of the necessary four and thus cannot do laundry... very upset about this. I also need to wrap those Christmas presents I'm so excited about. Maybe I should just suck it up and shower. Dammit.

French cooking class tomorrow. Woohoo.

Oasis

So how apparent is it that I'm not doing anything tonight... my third post.

Wonderwall - Oasis ... truth.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realised what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About vou now
All the roads that lead you there are winding
Ail the lights that Iight the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You re my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Another thought

I really don't like my last night.

I like that it's Scotch - Irish. I love that area. Hooray heritage.

But... "MacBride"... it's just not a good thing. Probably because it has the word "bride" in it... and hence brings with it all the annoying connotations that "bride" carries.

I am not naive, I do not dress in white, I do not have perfect teeth.

Rage.

Strawberry Cheerios

It's almost 7pm on a Friday night, and I'm crashing.
I'm supposedly going "out" with two people from work tonight; however, as I was leaving at 5, we didn't know where we were going to meet... Lauren isn't 21 yet, so we need to find an 18+ venue for her to be able to come... and Danny wants to go to the Gay 90's (which is not 18+ tonight). What a dilema.
Right now, I just feel like lounging in my pajamas and watching movies.... buuut, I've done that the past two weekends. Am I really that pathetic that I can let this happen 3 weekends in a row? Do I really have no friends? (Kidding.) They're all just busy tonight.
Another thing - when Danny and Lauren go out... they really know how to have fun, and then they drive home. If we're downtown, my home is in the complete opposite direction from both of theirs... so I'd be cabbing it by myself - expensive. (But I refuse to drive if I'm going to drink.)
Dilema #2.
Tomorrow, I'd like to get up early, do some cleaning and them POWER CHRISTMAS SHOPPING until 4:30 when I'll be at Kristen's for most of the evening (it's possible I'll end up at the Lodge... but we'll see). I'm very excited and anxious for this Christmas shopping... it was only yesterday that I realized that there are only TWO WEEK until the big holiday weekend. HOW did that happen? I work too much.
Sunday, I hope to be sledding and getting crazy with Megan... but that all depends on the timing of when I have to take Adam to and from work. Once again, we'll see.
Very excited for my French cooking class on Monday.
Even more excited to see Becky on Tuesday! WOO.
After that, there are no plans for a while. I'm sure things'll fill up. I just wish I had a coffee date tonight... or something like that... that's what I feel like doing. Good chai and good conversation are in order - I just need someone to converse with. I suppose I *could* go to a coffee shop, sit in the corner, and talk to myself. Sounds like a very "Hilbert-esq" experiment. Ha.
I got paid today. I love pay days. I cashed the check - the whole damn thing (my band is still in River Falls). Dangerous to have that cash in my hands - too easy to spend... especially since there's shopping planned for tomorrow.
I'm feeling a bit lonely these days. Is it these days? Maybe it's just the normal usual. (The normal usual?) I feel like I'm searching for something... but I can't completely definie what that something is. I suppose this feeling is common for people my age in my situation (the young and the restless.... ha).
Prodigy is playing on my winamp.
I want to go to a rave.
Last night, I hung out with Heather and Jackie for the first time in a looong while. We hit up that coffee shop right by my apartment - what a great idea that was! Great place - big menu, gourmet ice cream, very real Chai.

Damn. I am SO going to fall asleep before 10. DAMN. I really did want to go out tonight. It's just so much effort these days.
I think I need someone to just come over and drag me to the bar. Then I'd get there without too much effort on my part AND I'd feel loved. :P

I joined MySpace. Interesting phenomenon.

Back to Neverland...

Okay, so I've decided that I don't want to grow up anymore. I'm stopping. Right now. Hopefully I haven't gone past the point of no return.

Today, I went in early to work, skipped both of my breaks (which I normally do anyway), and my lunch (which I've never done before) to try to get a handle on my work load... I think I did, but I still have a lot to do. This means I'll probably be skipping lunch more, or staying late.
It's just ridiculous. I like having things to do... but SERIOUSLY.
I need to create an altar at which to pray for my acceptance into grad school... because I am NOT staying at this job for more than a year. I refuse. No way in hell.
I'd burn out... I'd be burnt out already if there wasn't a possible light at the end of this tunnel.

When I came home, I washed the dishes.

I think the high today was like... 6 degrees. I really don't like going outside and having my saliva freeze.

Tomorrow, mom's finally coming to visit... only took her a month to find a free day. She's a busy woman. I'm glad she's coming... it's nice to have visitors... espeically when they will help you fix your impromtu Target sheet curtains.

I've got the mood set in the living room... tons of candles, the Christmas lights, and the fiber optic tree. Too bad I'm alone. Ha.

Relief comes in the form of stamped and addressed envelopes

Applications = done (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Christmas cards = partially finished (but hey, it's Dec 4...)
Christmas decs are up. The apartment sparkles (thanks in part to the fiber optic tree)... wonder how cool that'd be if I had some psychotropic drugs.
My once-kept-in-the-closet thang for electronica is not so secret... Madonna's newest dance party CD currently playing, track 8 (but they all run together, so the track # doesn't really matter).
Just finished a handful of chocolate chips.

Who wants to party?

I can't think of a creative title

So I'm sitting on the couch... again... took the day off from applications. I am now on my third movie in a row, although the first one was basically on for background noise since Kristen stopped over right after I started the DVD.

Anyway, I was just looking through my Documents folder, looking for a decent enough paper to send to grad schools as a writing sample. I found this "ancient" word doc from my Creative Writing class that I took senior year of high school... a Farrago.
The topic I'd chosen to write on was relationship/love. I was struck by how good the writing was... (that's NOT meant to sound like I'm bragging).
I was also surprised at how "deep" the writing went - I don't know if it was just Laura the angsty teenager with rollercoaster emotions... or what... but the depth of expression... I FELT so much back then. Everything was so big.

It's not like I'm a block of ice now... but it has certainly been a while since I've had any overwhelming, mind-blowing, knock-the-wind-out-of-my-lungs feelings. I have apparently had too many bad experiences that seem to result directly from me letting myself get lost in big feelings.

Is this just what happens when we grow up? We become accustomed to the monotony of the real world, not veering off our straight clear path, and not daring to FEEL strongly about anything. It's too dangerous. We've learned that feelings that big can hurt... and we weigh the pros and cons and decide that the hurt isn't worth it.

Is it just our culture that is obsessed with always feeling secure and safe?

Well, I tell you what... I am sick of floating safely along in my bubble. I'd rather feel the sharp edges in life, before I forget how to really feel.
In my opinion, if I don't let myself feel because the possibility exists that I might get hurt... I will also miss out on the other side of that possibility... that letting myself feel could also lead to some amazing, unforgetable experience... something worthwhile... something good.

Damn. This is the result of me reading an old high school assignment? Wow.

Dance Party

I've never been more excited to sit at home in my pajamas. Yes, it's Friday night... 8pm... I'm sitting on the couch in my new fuzzy pajama pants... with no plans to speak of... and it's great.
I just had my own private dance party. (Austin, you were right - dancing around in your underwear like a maniac is a great way to relieve stress!)
This week was pretty rough... work was intense and frusterating every second I was there. The grad school apps are kicking my ass... but they WILL be done by Monday, dammit.

For now, it's Friday night. I still feel a little residual anxiety from the week. But for now it's Laura's happy relaxation time.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I'm cleaning (which I actually like to do when I'm stressed) and then meeting Dad to go shopping for curtains and other fun things. Then, by Saturday evening or Sunday, I should be ready to kick it into high gear and finish the applications.

I can do this.

Memory

I was just looking back over some previous posts... realized that I started this thing about a year ago... Nov 2004.
As I read, I was struck by how much has happened in my life since then. A year really isn't that long. How can so much happen?! God. What a whirlwind. I wrote a ton back then too... now I can hardly form sentences. I feel worn out and confused. I know it's because this week/month/season has been a big, busy transition... and so was the summer... and so was the spring.
Damn. I just want to call up someone and vent, but I hate doing that... strange that I feel like doing something I hate doing. I just feel like a bother when I do that. People have their own busy lives. And the times that I have done that, I get whomever on the line and then I get all tongue-tied... "um... hey... I'm kinda depressive tonight..." "um... I don't know... nothing's really wrong..." Because nothing's ever really wrong! It's all how I look at it. My life isn't that bad. It's good actually, compared to a lot of other people's lives. I feel so ridiculous and stupid complaining about crap that really isn't important.
Now that I'm on a roll venting... I also hate when people tell me I'm special or important to the world. What is that shit? I am one person in this world of over 6 billion people. How can I possibly be special and important? That's so stupid. STUPID! I don't feel special or important. I feel expendable. Don't tell me I'm not. It's one of those things I need to be okay with, y'know. I'm really just run-of-the-mill. I'm too goddamn busy to do anything exceptional!

God. I'm sorry. I'm just tired and stressed with grad application deadlines. I'll stop now.

Randomness before Taiko

I'm leaving for Adam-the-roommate's Taiko concert in a bit.

Right now, I'm sitting on the couch, staring at the final list of things I need to complete before I send out my grad school applications.
Every day this week, after work, I come home, eat, and then sit on the couch and work on grad school stuff... or chat.
Work gets more and more hectic and ridiculous everyday, and everyday I wish more and more that one of these schools will accept my application. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in! Well... I won't die... I'll go on living and try again for the next semester. Ugh.

This getting up at 6am thing is running me down... and it has only been a week since I had a bit of a vacation. How do people do this "real world" thing? I get so tired. Tired. And Confused.

I'm thinking too much. It has gotten more difficult lately for me to put my thoughts into words. Half the time, I can't even decide what I'm actually thinking. I feel like my thoughts are like electrons... zooming around in my head.
Science.

I need some good Thai food.

Anthem of the week.

I may or may not have these lyrics in some other previous post... I just found a great remix of this song. It's my current anthem.

Walk On - U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...