I Wonder

Sometimes, life is so complicated that, although I'd like to sit down and write a book about what I'm feeling, I can't put anything into words. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think on my commute (I can't believe I have a commute), at work, on lunch, after work... that's pretty much my day now that I'm fulltime (since last Tuesday). It's very difficult to find the time to get together with friends - we all have conflicting schedules. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel very alone.
I'm also realizing lately (finally?) that some of the people I talked to frequently at school have kind of disappeared. It never dawned on me how many friendships of convenience college gives you.
I was sad about this for a while, and then I realized that my true friends will be there for me no matter how far apart we are from one another.

I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact (yes, it is a fact) that for most of my life I've been needy and pathetic and crazy... more so this past year. It was me dealing with being "alone" for the first time ever... trying to find people to love and accept me without first learning how to love or respect myself. I've always leaned on others to guide me and tell me how to live my life.
Over the past year, I lost a lot of that type of support and found myself drowning. I look back on it now and understand that I had absolutely no confidence in myself, my thoughts, or my decisions.
I ended up doing a lot of stupid things, trying to find a place where I could feel safe and comfortable again... I made a lot of mistakes that I sincerely regret now.

Finally, *Finally* a few weeks ago I pulled back on the reigns to take a breath and reflect. What the hell am I doing? Who am I trying to be?! I'd been so unhappy. I've been searching for a place where I can feel comfortable in my own skin, and I've run into so many deadends... it was time to re-evaluate.
At that point, I made a conscious, firm decision to make some changes in the way I live.

Number one, I decided to stop doing things that make me feel shitty. I know that sounds ridiculous... but when I get into a routine and then people begin to expect me to act in a certain way, it's very difficult for me (historically) to break out of it, even when I realize I'm not having a good time.
Number two, I decided to cut back in the amount of alcohol I consume. College was great... so much time to spend at Patrick's drinking my vodka & cranberry and making an ass out of myself. Now I no longer have the time or the money for that. Even more importantly... remember those stupid mistakes that I regret so much? Most (and by most I mean LARGE majority) of those happened when I was drunk. NOT GOOD.

I feel like this past year I've been trying to climb an impossible mountain. I could never find my footing, and although there were a lot of people watching me from a distance, there was no one around to break my constant falls. I had to fall completely to the bottom, bruising my tailbone as I landed, to finally realize that there are other ways of getting to the other side of the obstacle.

I'm still lonely. I still have no idea what I want out of this life. I'm trying to reflect more, I'm trying to slow down, I'm even trying to read this little daily devotion book that my mom gave me. I'm trying to remember the blessings in my life, and when I do I am consistenly amazed at how how many I can count.
This is a transition. Mistakes are mistakes... I can't do anything about them now. I'm striving to be more aware of my everyday, present surroundings... to live in the moment and appreciate my life as it is.