Thoughts in my head

I've decided that I hate my desk. My mother bought me this desk when I was in ... 6th grade, maybe. It's teeny. I thought I would like the fact that it's not huge, but I have since realized that there are some definite positives to having a lot of drawers and shelves. It's also very uncomfortable to sit behind this desk. Maybe this is a good thing - I'll get out of the house and go to my office to do my work. Right.

An update on Dad: I have no idea how things are going. I haven't been able to reach anyone for a few days. The last time I talked to my mother, she sounded much happier (and much more awake). Friends have been stopping by with food, and she is very grateful for that. My brother called me last week and asked me if I'd dropped my elective course like I'd planned. Yes, I have. Then he asked me when I'm going to start coming home every weekend.
That was a surprise.
Um... I'm not going to come home every weekend. I will be home more frequently than I'd originally planned on, yes, but not every weekend.
If I were to go home every weekend, I'd probably have to quit school. "Going home" for me now does not entail hanging out, sitting on my ass on the couch, or getting together with friends and driving all over the cities. "Going home" now means being a constant care provider and supervisor of Dad... meaning that I would get ZERO homework finished (unless I start drinking redbull by the gallon and find someone to get me speed - something which probably won't happen).

I've been feeling very torn about this, and very guilty. (VERY guilty.) On the one hand, I have my "student" role - I have very important obligations here and I need to BE here to get things done. On the other hand, I have the "daughter" role and my obligation to my family. I want to be supportive. I want to help.
There's just no possible way for me to "perform" these two roles perfectly. They don't fit very well together.

Every night since that conversation with my brother, I lie awake and think "what if he (meaning Dad) dies next month... then how will you feel, you selfish bitch?" Honestly, we have no idea how long Dad is going to last. What if it's only another couple of months? And what if I don't go home enough? And what if I'm not there like I should be??
But what if I am? What if I go home all the time and help out? I feel like if I start doing that, I might as well just move back to Minneapolis, because my career as a grad student here would basically be over.

What the hell am I supposed to do? My mother has never asked me to come home. In fact, she was mad at me when I told her I was going to drop a class. And Dad, well, I know he'd be angry and upset if I ever decided to quit the program because of him.

So I'm staying here. At least for the moment.

I've been feeling very lonely and confused lately. I wish I could find someone who would go out for a glass of wine with me, someone who liked the hookah and would share a pint of ice cream with me in the middle of the night. Once again, I must remind myself, friendships develop with time... it is a process, and it will happen eventually.

Well, fuck that! I don't have time to wait for friendships to happen. I need friends NOW.
I feel like everything is rushed right now. I'm impatient and edgy. I can't even wait for the bus, let alone a friendship!

Wow, listen to this rant. This is ridiculous. Life is still good. Today was a beautiful day - which I spent inside doing homework.
Yeah, okay. I just need to focus. Or maybe I just need a day where something actually goes really well, where something surprises me and ends up perfect. That would help.