Weekend rambling
Right now, there are so many things going on in my head that it's difficult to think coherently. It's not necessarily as bad as it sounds... it just means there's a lot going on in my life right now.
Last Thursday, I successfully hosted my first party in Milwaukee. We carved pumpkins and ate a TON of food. Spectacular. This Friday is the Halloween party. I'm very excited. I wonder if I could find a job doing this kind of thing (... doing what? hosting parties? weird.)
I was home to see my parents this weekend. Dad is doing okay. He has two weeks and three days left of radiation therapy. He's exhausted. The doctors aren't sure if he's tired from the therapy, the tumor, or the swelling around the tumor... even though they don't know why he's tired, they upped his steroid dosage today so he'll be more awake. It's interesting - you'd think they'd try to figure out the reason for the exhaustion.
Then again, the reason for the exhaustion is the least of everyone's worries right now. Mom has a very difficult time just getting Dad up and functional by noon - when they have to leave for therapy everyday.
I stayed at home with Dad all day Sunday so Mom could attend Katie's soccer game. I was nervous at first, but it turned out to be fine. All he did was sleep and doze. I just had to feed him, basically. Jay came over that evening so I could get out to do some homework and meet a few friends for coffee. Mom was very thankful. She said "I can't wait another month and a half to do something for myself." Damn right, she can't. This is just so hard on her, and I feel very guilty having to leave.
When I said goodbye to Dad this morning, he was upset when I told him I'll be back in a few weeks... "A few weeks?!" he said. He didn't realize or remember that I had a five hour trip back to school. He sounded so sad when I said I was leaving. I hugged my mom goodbye, walked out of the house, got into the jetta and just cried. Every time I leave there, I get in the car and cry. I've been good about not tearing up in front of my parents... but that's difficult sometimes. My eyes hurt from holding in the tears sometimes.
This is so damn hard. I get so angry with myself for breaking down and not being able to handle it. My life is GOOD. What the fuck am I crying for? ... Then I realize, this isn't something I can always deal with alone, no matter how strong I try to be. Sometimes, I just have to cry and be pathetic and irrational... even if somewhere in my head I know that this will pass and the world will keep turning.
Right now, it's too early to tell if the radiation is working. I guess we just have to wait for the next MRI, which will be in three weeks. We already know that the tumor will still be there... we just have to wait and see how much (or IF) it has shrunk.
I'm back home now. I got into town around 4:30, unpacked, ate a bagel and some Halloween candy, and went to campus to write a paper that's due tomorrow and to plan my class lesson on violence against women and the "rape culture." (It's "gender inequality" week in Soc 101.) Then I went to the grocery store to buy milk and fresh fruit. Now I'm here, sitting at my desk - with my computer on my lap because my desk sucks.
I am emotionally tired.
It was nice to see some friends this weekend... and Em and Jay - I saw them every day I was home! It was hard though too, to know that I had to leave again. I really love Milwaukee and my grad program. I also really love Minneapolis and my friends and family.
Oh, so torn am I. But that's life, right?
Anyway, I'm rambling. Life's not so bad. Tomorrow's Tuesday already. I was thinking the other day that it's going to be 2007 soon. That's very strange to me... but I think about this kind of thing every year, and the year looming in the future always "sounds strange."
I'm still rambling. Here's a picture for some flare ... Jay gave me a bunch of wedding photos. This is my lovely family, complete with new sister-in-law. This makes me happy.
Last Thursday, I successfully hosted my first party in Milwaukee. We carved pumpkins and ate a TON of food. Spectacular. This Friday is the Halloween party. I'm very excited. I wonder if I could find a job doing this kind of thing (... doing what? hosting parties? weird.)
I was home to see my parents this weekend. Dad is doing okay. He has two weeks and three days left of radiation therapy. He's exhausted. The doctors aren't sure if he's tired from the therapy, the tumor, or the swelling around the tumor... even though they don't know why he's tired, they upped his steroid dosage today so he'll be more awake. It's interesting - you'd think they'd try to figure out the reason for the exhaustion.
Then again, the reason for the exhaustion is the least of everyone's worries right now. Mom has a very difficult time just getting Dad up and functional by noon - when they have to leave for therapy everyday.
I stayed at home with Dad all day Sunday so Mom could attend Katie's soccer game. I was nervous at first, but it turned out to be fine. All he did was sleep and doze. I just had to feed him, basically. Jay came over that evening so I could get out to do some homework and meet a few friends for coffee. Mom was very thankful. She said "I can't wait another month and a half to do something for myself." Damn right, she can't. This is just so hard on her, and I feel very guilty having to leave.
When I said goodbye to Dad this morning, he was upset when I told him I'll be back in a few weeks... "A few weeks?!" he said. He didn't realize or remember that I had a five hour trip back to school. He sounded so sad when I said I was leaving. I hugged my mom goodbye, walked out of the house, got into the jetta and just cried. Every time I leave there, I get in the car and cry. I've been good about not tearing up in front of my parents... but that's difficult sometimes. My eyes hurt from holding in the tears sometimes.
This is so damn hard. I get so angry with myself for breaking down and not being able to handle it. My life is GOOD. What the fuck am I crying for? ... Then I realize, this isn't something I can always deal with alone, no matter how strong I try to be. Sometimes, I just have to cry and be pathetic and irrational... even if somewhere in my head I know that this will pass and the world will keep turning.
Right now, it's too early to tell if the radiation is working. I guess we just have to wait for the next MRI, which will be in three weeks. We already know that the tumor will still be there... we just have to wait and see how much (or IF) it has shrunk.
I'm back home now. I got into town around 4:30, unpacked, ate a bagel and some Halloween candy, and went to campus to write a paper that's due tomorrow and to plan my class lesson on violence against women and the "rape culture." (It's "gender inequality" week in Soc 101.) Then I went to the grocery store to buy milk and fresh fruit. Now I'm here, sitting at my desk - with my computer on my lap because my desk sucks.
I am emotionally tired.
It was nice to see some friends this weekend... and Em and Jay - I saw them every day I was home! It was hard though too, to know that I had to leave again. I really love Milwaukee and my grad program. I also really love Minneapolis and my friends and family.
Oh, so torn am I. But that's life, right?
Anyway, I'm rambling. Life's not so bad. Tomorrow's Tuesday already. I was thinking the other day that it's going to be 2007 soon. That's very strange to me... but I think about this kind of thing every year, and the year looming in the future always "sounds strange."
I'm still rambling. Here's a picture for some flare ... Jay gave me a bunch of wedding photos. This is my lovely family, complete with new sister-in-law. This makes me happy.
posted by Laura at
9:40 PM
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