Senior Seminar - nostalgia and then a long rant about life
Today on my lunch break, I went to Perkins. I brought my journal along. It has been a long, very stressful week - mostly because of my job. I wanted to just sit and write for a while in a slower-paced restaurant.
As soon as I opened the journal, I had this great big overpowering flashback of my last semester at GAC... and my senior seminar project for which I spent a number of hours sitting by myself at the Perkins in Mankato.
Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever miss Senior Seminar... the tiny classroom, the small desks, me falling asleep with my head against the back wall... Suz rambling on about how to do research, wondering where the TV went to... and then asking for volunteers to meet the next candidate for her job during her sabatical... and then Heather, Jackie and I all raising our hands at the same time... Yeah, okay, I knew I'd miss the class.
This morning, as was listening to U2's ''Pop'' cd on my commute to work, I glanced at the clock - 7:34am. Then I recalled with sadness my years spent at Gustavus when "getting up early" meant 7:45 - and that was only when I wanted to shower for my 9am.
Then there were the times when I could stop back to my room between classes, hang out in the caf, grab some coffee, or sit outside in the sun... all during daylight hours... because I wasn't confined to a goddamn desk in front of a goddamn computer all fricking day.
Honestly, work isn't going so well right now, and I think that's why I'm missing my old college life schedule so much.
My supervisors have figured out that I'm smart (enough), I work hard, and I get things done... so they've given me 10 times the work to do. Now I have piles of projects, I also handle ALL customer complaints and all complaints/issues from our main client. Seriously... I cannot do all of this! It's not humanly possibly. I've told a few people about this - and they laugh at me. "Oh Laura, it's not that bad/you'll get it done/just talk to your boss and they'll shift some of the work load.''
Um, NO... okay... you don't understand. It IS that bad. I WON'T get it done. And Mike will NOT shift any of the work load because there's no where else for it to go! He doesn't trust anyone else to get it done, I guess.
I sincerely feel that they are taking advantage of me, and I don't know what to say.
But I hate it. I'm mad and stressed all the time.
And yeah, yeah, I know... it's all how you look at it, right? But this is fucking ridiculous! This is how it is and it's ridiculous!
I'm such a novice to the working world too... I have no idea how to go about asking for a break in the workload... or a job description (I don't have one).
I'm sorry... something in my brain snapped today. I'm just sick of bullshit and I'm going to freak out about it... right now, while I'm alone in my apartment (the best time - this way I won't bother anyone).
I want to move... somewhere... get some random job... try again. I hate feeling lost and confused. I'm mad at myself thought too... perhaps I wouldn't be freaking out right now if I could re-learn how to communicate with people.
I'm not sure how it happened, but sometime in the past year, I stopped talking. I feel like no one needs to hear me bitch about my stupid little problems. I'd rather not waste anyone's time, especially when I can generally deal with things on my own. However, there are the times when I'm feeling really down... I used to know who to call at those times... or, I felt safe/confident enough to call people because I knew they wouldn't hold my own craziness against me. Everyone's nuts every once in a while, right?
Now I don't know who to call. I'm sure I have people programmed into my cell phone who would listen to me if they knew I needed someone to listen... I have some wonderful friends. I just feel like I've forgotten how to talk. Every once in a while I'll try, but then it ends up like "well, actually, it's not that big of a deal/I'm just tired/I'll be fine." It's just too hard to explain what's in my head, and I don't want to use people just because I need to talk about dumb things that won't matter in a year.
Then I think, this is driving me crazy, maybe I should just call someone and vent... even if I KNOW it's stupid... just so I can settle down. Then I flip open my phone, scroll through all the numbers in my phone book... and close the phone.
Aaaand look at me rant. God, I'm ridiculous. (Even though I'm not really religious... at all... I still feel guilty when I write "God" like that. Weird.)
Anyway, I'm stopping now.
As soon as I opened the journal, I had this great big overpowering flashback of my last semester at GAC... and my senior seminar project for which I spent a number of hours sitting by myself at the Perkins in Mankato.
Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever miss Senior Seminar... the tiny classroom, the small desks, me falling asleep with my head against the back wall... Suz rambling on about how to do research, wondering where the TV went to... and then asking for volunteers to meet the next candidate for her job during her sabatical... and then Heather, Jackie and I all raising our hands at the same time... Yeah, okay, I knew I'd miss the class.
This morning, as was listening to U2's ''Pop'' cd on my commute to work, I glanced at the clock - 7:34am. Then I recalled with sadness my years spent at Gustavus when "getting up early" meant 7:45 - and that was only when I wanted to shower for my 9am.
Then there were the times when I could stop back to my room between classes, hang out in the caf, grab some coffee, or sit outside in the sun... all during daylight hours... because I wasn't confined to a goddamn desk in front of a goddamn computer all fricking day.
Honestly, work isn't going so well right now, and I think that's why I'm missing my old college life schedule so much.
My supervisors have figured out that I'm smart (enough), I work hard, and I get things done... so they've given me 10 times the work to do. Now I have piles of projects, I also handle ALL customer complaints and all complaints/issues from our main client. Seriously... I cannot do all of this! It's not humanly possibly. I've told a few people about this - and they laugh at me. "Oh Laura, it's not that bad/you'll get it done/just talk to your boss and they'll shift some of the work load.''
Um, NO... okay... you don't understand. It IS that bad. I WON'T get it done. And Mike will NOT shift any of the work load because there's no where else for it to go! He doesn't trust anyone else to get it done, I guess.
I sincerely feel that they are taking advantage of me, and I don't know what to say.
But I hate it. I'm mad and stressed all the time.
And yeah, yeah, I know... it's all how you look at it, right? But this is fucking ridiculous! This is how it is and it's ridiculous!
I'm such a novice to the working world too... I have no idea how to go about asking for a break in the workload... or a job description (I don't have one).
I'm sorry... something in my brain snapped today. I'm just sick of bullshit and I'm going to freak out about it... right now, while I'm alone in my apartment (the best time - this way I won't bother anyone).
I want to move... somewhere... get some random job... try again. I hate feeling lost and confused. I'm mad at myself thought too... perhaps I wouldn't be freaking out right now if I could re-learn how to communicate with people.
I'm not sure how it happened, but sometime in the past year, I stopped talking. I feel like no one needs to hear me bitch about my stupid little problems. I'd rather not waste anyone's time, especially when I can generally deal with things on my own. However, there are the times when I'm feeling really down... I used to know who to call at those times... or, I felt safe/confident enough to call people because I knew they wouldn't hold my own craziness against me. Everyone's nuts every once in a while, right?
Now I don't know who to call. I'm sure I have people programmed into my cell phone who would listen to me if they knew I needed someone to listen... I have some wonderful friends. I just feel like I've forgotten how to talk. Every once in a while I'll try, but then it ends up like "well, actually, it's not that big of a deal/I'm just tired/I'll be fine." It's just too hard to explain what's in my head, and I don't want to use people just because I need to talk about dumb things that won't matter in a year.
Then I think, this is driving me crazy, maybe I should just call someone and vent... even if I KNOW it's stupid... just so I can settle down. Then I flip open my phone, scroll through all the numbers in my phone book... and close the phone.
Aaaand look at me rant. God, I'm ridiculous. (Even though I'm not really religious... at all... I still feel guilty when I write "God" like that. Weird.)
Anyway, I'm stopping now.
posted by Laura at
8:24 PM
2 Comments:
OK, next time this happens, instead of scrolling through all your numbers and closing your phone, scroll through your numbers util you hit Sarah. Then stop. Then hit the "call" button, and wait until the ringing stops and say "Sarah, I'm going crazy, let me rant for a while." Then rant. The end. :) I love you and I will ALWAYS listen to you rant!!!
By
Sarah, at 1/17/2006
Take Sarah's message from above, and extend it to me, too. Please know that you can always call me whenever, Laura--I will never be too busy to be there for a friend.
By
Becky, at 1/17/2006
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